I’m completely inspired by my random Starbucks gift card.  Funny how something so simple can make such a large impact on someone’s frame of mind.

So inspired, actually, that I’ve decided to celebrate my birthday the same way- with one random act of kindness for every year that I’ve been alive.

So on March 21st, I will be taking part in the Birthday Project and performing 27 random acts of kindness.

I will be posting these acts on my blog on this day.

Next Wednesday I want everyone to perform a random act of kindness as well and share it with me on my blog: www.whatlieswithin.net.

Angel and I received a very generous act of kindness in the mail- a Starbucks gift card and the message that the card can only be used for us to get coffee together.  We also have free movie passes that I won in school about a year ago that we’ve been meaning to use, but actually lost for a while during our move.  I found them the other day and when we got the Starbucks card, I told Angel that we should go to a movie and get coffee (which we used to do a lot before we were married).  We ended up not going to a movie because we couldn’t agree between Project X and The Vow, but that’s beside the point.

So on Saturday morning we took the dog to Starbucks to enjoy the beautiful weather (sunny, 80, not a cloud in the sky).  We realized about half way there that we forgot the card, had a good laugh about who’s fault it was, and continued on our way.  This random act of kindness and wish that we got coffee together will happen at least twice (or likely more because we are seriously very forgetful people).  I truly appreciate the generosity and reminder to pause day to day life and enjoy being together.

On Saturday, my sister in law and her family suffered a devastating loss.  Having just gone through (possibly) the worst month of my life, the pain of loss is still too fresh in my mind.  So on Sunday I paid our random act of kindness forward, and surprised her with an arrangement of yellow roses.

This weekend made me reflect again upon our recent miscarriage and served as a reminder to me that bad things sometimes happen to good people.  We can deal with them by crawling into our beds, watching sad movies on repeat, and looking for blame, or we can deal with them head on, allow ourselves to be occasionally sad, and then choose to be happy.  I’ve known relationships to suffer when faced with such taxing situations.  I have actively chosen for this to do exactly the opposite.  I’m closer with Angel, closer with my friends, and investing myself into things that make me happy.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

P.S. The quote isn’t ironic.  This was my active thought process when I named my blog in January.

I tease my dog for being “puke-y” but wow have I been feeling that way since last night.  There’s nothing like coming home from a work out trying not to throw up in your newly cleaned car.  This morning wasn’t much better, and now I’m trying not to puke all over my desk at work.  The dog appears to be fine, but Holy Cow, what’s wrong with mine now?

Apparently someone in our house must be sick at all times.  Ugh!

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart

-Confucius

This weekend I went home to Colorado to lay my grandfather to rest.  While extremely emotional, the ceremony was beautiful and a wonderful tribute to a wonderful man.

While at the church, I saw the bench in the garden that my grandpa had the church place in tribute to my grandma:

And I was able to reflect upon some of the wonderful moments that I was able to share with my grandpa in my short time with him:

Baking bread

The last time that I saw my grandpa I spoke with him about all of the “signs” that my grandma has given me that she’s still around.  He agreed that they sounded like her and we shared a fun moment dancing at the end of my brother’s wedding.  I can’t think of a better memory to leave with.

He passed away while I was in Puerto Rico for the holidays, and I came home from that trip to a box of Harry and David pears, exact in fashion to the ones my grandpa was notorious for mailing to family at Christmas.  Only these were delivered to my house on “accident”.  Meaning, the real address was nearly 20 minutes away from my house.

After speaking to my grandpa about all of the subtle signs that I’ve noticed, I don’t believe that this was an accident.  I look forward to what he has in store for my future.

My uncle spoke at the funeral service about how my grandpa thought that my grandma’s passing was her gift to him to be able to know his family better.  I think there’s a lot of truth to that.

After the service, the family went over to his house for the evening and as we crammed too many people around a small kitchen table I couldn’t help but think that the person who would love this the most was the one who is no longer here.  Then it occurred to me that if he thought my grandma’s gift to him was family, then this was clearly his gift to all of us.

You started a good thing, Papa.  We are a family who laughs, a family who supports, and a family who will carry on what you created.  May you rest in peace, Papa, right where you belong.

…Know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.

The kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

-Baz Luhrmann

I’ve thrown around sharing this with the blogging community for quite a while or keeping it to myself, and believe me there are positives and negatives for both.  However, it’s something that I have been struggling with and the positive moments are hard not to celebrate while the difficult moments are getting harder and harder not to talk about.  I know that it’s not a topic that is openly discussed, and believe me when I say that I completely understand why.  Those who are bystanders don’t know what to say, and those who are living it may just be trying to get through the day.

I have now experienced both sides.

Ultimately, the decision to share my painful story is for a few reasons:

1. I want to be able to openly celebrate the small victories and ask for support during the difficult moments
2. I believe in the power of prayer
3. The more I talked about it, the more I found out that I wasn’t alone

The last one is what inspires me to share my story in case anyone is quietly going through this alone.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I wish I had internalized that sooner.

At first, I honestly believed that I was okay to talk about it- and some days I certainly am.  But when I was blindsided by the topic I instantly burst into tears.  So please understand that I’m not being rude when I say that I’m talking about it now, I’ll probably bring it up from time to time in the future, but this topic shall forever remain on the top of my “Don’t Ask Me Unless I Brought It Up” list.  I also appreciate not being the topic of dinner conversation.

Angel and I found out in early November that we were expecting a baby Rivas this July.  Naturally, extreme excitement was replaced by extreme freak out, before we settled into a healthy level of worry.  The worry is what held me back from telling every stranger asking me to move my cart in the grocery store that I was pregnant.  We closed on our new house, moved in, and started calling the empty room “the nursery.”  We thought about adjusting summer travel plans.

And then as quickly as it all happened, it was gone.

I miscarried on December 2nd and was sent to the hospital for surgery in concern that my health was at risk if left unchecked.  December 2nd was the hardest day.

I spent the rest of December physically feeling like I had been hit by a Mac Truck.  Mentally, I had tunnel vision on holiday travel and family.  Now that the holidays are over, I’ve been struggling with balancing the good with the bad.  I would like to think of myself as a relatively positive person, “happiness is a choice” I say, but some days I struggle with who’s in control of that choice: my head or my heart.

Most days, my head wins.  God has a plan I think.

Yesterday my heart won.  A friend of mine announced on Facebook that she and her husband were expecting and their due date is on the exact day that ours was supposed to be.  This is when I decided that it was time to share my story.

I ask for prayers of strength as I continue to cope with the loss and I ask for understanding as I still lack appropriate emotional responses to seemingly everyday events.

Supportive comments to this post are welcomed.