…Know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.

The kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

-Baz Luhrmann

I’ve thrown around sharing this with the blogging community for quite a while or keeping it to myself, and believe me there are positives and negatives for both.  However, it’s something that I have been struggling with and the positive moments are hard not to celebrate while the difficult moments are getting harder and harder not to talk about.  I know that it’s not a topic that is openly discussed, and believe me when I say that I completely understand why.  Those who are bystanders don’t know what to say, and those who are living it may just be trying to get through the day.

I have now experienced both sides.

Ultimately, the decision to share my painful story is for a few reasons:

1. I want to be able to openly celebrate the small victories and ask for support during the difficult moments
2. I believe in the power of prayer
3. The more I talked about it, the more I found out that I wasn’t alone

The last one is what inspires me to share my story in case anyone is quietly going through this alone.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I wish I had internalized that sooner.

At first, I honestly believed that I was okay to talk about it- and some days I certainly am.  But when I was blindsided by the topic I instantly burst into tears.  So please understand that I’m not being rude when I say that I’m talking about it now, I’ll probably bring it up from time to time in the future, but this topic shall forever remain on the top of my “Don’t Ask Me Unless I Brought It Up” list.  I also appreciate not being the topic of dinner conversation.

Angel and I found out in early November that we were expecting a baby Rivas this July.  Naturally, extreme excitement was replaced by extreme freak out, before we settled into a healthy level of worry.  The worry is what held me back from telling every stranger asking me to move my cart in the grocery store that I was pregnant.  We closed on our new house, moved in, and started calling the empty room “the nursery.”  We thought about adjusting summer travel plans.

And then as quickly as it all happened, it was gone.

I miscarried on December 2nd and was sent to the hospital for surgery in concern that my health was at risk if left unchecked.  December 2nd was the hardest day.

I spent the rest of December physically feeling like I had been hit by a Mac Truck.  Mentally, I had tunnel vision on holiday travel and family.  Now that the holidays are over, I’ve been struggling with balancing the good with the bad.  I would like to think of myself as a relatively positive person, “happiness is a choice” I say, but some days I struggle with who’s in control of that choice: my head or my heart.

Most days, my head wins.  God has a plan I think.

Yesterday my heart won.  A friend of mine announced on Facebook that she and her husband were expecting and their due date is on the exact day that ours was supposed to be.  This is when I decided that it was time to share my story.

I ask for prayers of strength as I continue to cope with the loss and I ask for understanding as I still lack appropriate emotional responses to seemingly everyday events.

Supportive comments to this post are welcomed.